Hello,

The purpose of this post is to hopefully help to make you feel less alone in your quest to get along with your body. It’s a silly thing really, we can offer so much to the world and often much of our time is spent dwelling on how we look at certain angles and picking them apart. I’ve written a couple of Instagram posts about this but to go into great detail, it was a lot easier to write a blog post about it. I don’t know where to start with this post as there’s a lot to cover however I was inspired to write it after having a lovely chat via Instagram DM’s with a friend of mine. The topics resonate with me because I’ve found that as I get older, I tend to have more issues with the way my arms are or legs or something silly like that. It may just be me, but I have a feeling a lot of others feel the same way. I’d also like to mention that I know men possibly face these kinds of pressure as well and I’m not saying the female experience is worse or anything, but I can confidently discuss the pressures experienced by a female whereas I can’t for being a male.

We frequently try to reach this feminine beauty ideal, which suggests that one of a woman’s most important assets is her physical attractiveness. This causes all sorts of problems, myself I’m a big believer in surely your character is more important, and how you treat others and the skills you have and not how you look. Yet I myself dwell on “maybe I don’t look right”. This ideal varies from culture to culture and often in drastic ways with an underlying fear that if you don’t reach this level of beauty then maybe you aren’t beautiful. I’m not taking away or disrespecting cultural values here, but surely if there’s so many different types of beautiful depending on what type of the world you’re in then maybe there isn’t just this beauty ideal. Maybe we’re all beautiful in our own way.

There’s still a pressure though to achieve this ideal which I think is massively heightened as a result of social media. Take Instagram for example, it’s a wonderful place to share your life with friends and family but it is a platform built on likes. The focus often goes away from sharing things and instead on showing highlight reels, this is especially done by big influencers. Not only does this project an unattainable standard of beauty to reach, these people can afford many surgeries and are often not that honest about what they have changed. I’m not saying these people aren’t beautiful, because they are, but you cannot achieve their figure or their looks without surgery. But this also suggests that their life is perfect, and quite often it is not, and I understand the want to keep certain elements of life private but I feel that for younger impressionable girls, it portrays this image that if you can be this beautiful with all these followers and brand deals then you will have happiness and an ultimate perfect life. I love Instagram, I use my blog account to spread positivity and whatnot, but I know myself enough to know that I’m not prepared to be justified by the amount of likes that I get. And you shouldn’t either because you’re worth so much more than that. It’s easy though to get caught up in Instagram, you see so many of the same body types and compare yourself but you don’t see the posing or the bloating after a meal, you don’t see that when they aren’t sat perfectly they too have a belly. You see the highlights, as I mentioned before, you see what people want you to see. And that’s okay. But you need to remember that that is what you see. Here’s a reminder, yes the people who you see on Instagram and think “I wish I looked a bit like that” are beautiful, but bloody hell, SO ARE YOU. I think sometimes it’s harmless to say “oh I wish I looked like that”, but sometimes people say it with such venom and you know what, it isn’t that person on Instagram’s fault. It is your own issue and being mad at them is not going to help you overcome it.

Ultimately, I think reality shows have a part to play in how we see ourselves. Love Island never show bigger people and throw the term plus size around when there’s no need. Whilst I thoroughly enjoy the drama of Love Island and spend way too much time on Twitter scrolling through what happened the night before, the reality is you aren’t going to look like everyone on Love Island. They spend so much time beforehand working out religiously or maybe even with surgery, and you may not be able to work out to the same level that those individuals can, and you should not feel the pressure to. It is almost as if Love Island exists to show the level of perfection you can achieve. They’re all insanely beautiful on there and it once again sends the message out to young, impressionable girls that maybe they should look like that. No, they shouldn’t. They should look like themselves, just as they do. There are other reality stars who have been around a while and look completely different to what they did when they started out on TV, with the help of surgery but often deny the surgery. There’s so many complex levels to someone’s appearance, but please don’t try and match someone else’s beauty ideals.

An issue I have with Instagram, is the weight loss teas that feature and anything along those lines. You know the ones, the teas, the weight loss pills and anything else that says “skinny” on it, and you can tell by the title that they probably have no care about your health and only that they make you “skinny”. And there’s a market for that, people who want to lose weight fast, and the young girls who see that someone they love off a TV programme and want to look like this. People glorify weight loss and suggest that’s what makes you a valuable human being. It doesn’t. If you want to lose weight for you, for your health etc. or maybe you want to be slimmer, that’s fine but do it for you and not to reach some unattainable weight that makes you look good but not necessarily feel good.

Which leads me nicely on to the next topic. Exercising. It is so easy to convince yourself that you are exercising for your health and wellbeing, when really, you’re more concerned with how your body will change. Been there, done that and still do that. I don’t know how to break this cycle and maybe you feel the same. I want to be healthier, particularly fitter as I get exhausted walking up the street, but when I have done exercise I feel as though I need to run to the mirror to see if there’s any changes yet. There’s so many health benefits, according to the NHS website it can reduce your risk to major illnesses (including heart disease, stroke and cancer), and it can boost your self-esteem, sleep quality and mood. Since lockdown I have found that I adore being outside, I always took it for granted before because I’m a huge homebody, but I love the fresh air. We’ve had lovely weather for most of lockdown, and you can enjoy it by doing something as simple as going for a walk, it’s good for you! And you’ll probably enjoy it. Maybe there’s a way to break the cycle, and focus on how exercise makes you feel instead of focusing on how you look after, but I am yet to discover how to break said cycle. If you know, let me know. Whilst on the topic of exercising, people who make workout guides stop putting “LOSE WEIGHT FAST” as the title of your 30-day plan. Stop putting “THESE 5 EXERCISES WILL GET RID OF BODY FAT”. Just stop with all that. Of course, certain exercises target specific areas of your body, but maybe just maybe you could say it in a kinder and more considerate way that maybe focuses on the health benefits and not how you look. There’s another pressure of competition, who can lose weight the quickest or lose the most? And, why was this a conversation that I remember from secondary school? For the record, secondary school covers ages 11-16. Why as someone that young do I remember people talking about weight loss and body issues? Did we not have other important things that we needed to consider? Were we not battling typical adolescent problems and thought the world hated us enough to then need to hate ourselves as well?

I think exercising and how we view ourselves is often massively impacted by clothing sizes. They vary so much. You pick up a size 10 in one shop and it will not be the same in another shop. This is an instance where you really cannot control how a shop sizes their clothes in comparison to another shop, you have to be at peace with the fact they vary massively. I once bought clothes for an interview, I picked up my usual size tried a blouse, blazer and trousers on and they did not fit. I ended up getting the blouse in my normal size, trousers in a size smaller than my usual and a blazer in three sizes bigger. It is not your fault for how shops size their clothes. Once I found a top I liked in Primark, I tried my usual size on, and it was miles too big. I ended up buying this top in a size 6, I have never been a size 6. This is nothing to do with this post, but clothes are way more exciting than what size they are. They’re a way to express yourself, they’re your comfort at home and there’s the outfit you wear when you want to feel a bit badass. They’re how they make you feel, not what size they are.

Next up in “what makes me feel crap about my body” we have the good old comments from other people. I’ve only had a few comments made about my body in my life, but those few comments were enough for me to dwell on them and pick everything about it apart. These are often throwaway comments that the speaker probably doesn’t even realise will hurt you, but they do. Maybe we’ve all been guilty of saying “wow, you look so slim and good!”, but why do we do that? It suggests to the person looking “slim and good” that they must look slim to look good, it suggests to people of a bigger size that they do not look good because they aren’t as slim and it just sends out the wrong message. From this point on, I don’t think we should comment on someone’s body. Even in a “wow, you’ve lost weight you look good!” way, because it can be so damaging. The more direct insults can be equally as damaging. My point is comments can affect people whether they’re slim or bigger. There’s no cut off where you can’t be offended by what someone says about your body. Not even weight, I was talking to a friend the other day and we were discussing school and we mentioned how we felt self-conscious about arm hairs because people in class used to talk about how unnatural they are. As a naïve early-teen its easy to think “wow, they think we shouldn’t have arm hair so they’re obviously right and I know nothing” but as a 21-year old I just think, bloody hell, they are hairs that grow on your arm. Everyone has them! What’s wrong with them? How can they be considered unnatural? And more importantly, how does an early teen think that’s unnatural? Is it because of their own opinions, probably not, or have they heard about the certain way in which women should look? More than likely. Also, parents. I’m lucky because my parents have never expected me to look a certain way and even in the prime time of drawing my eyebrows on far too dark they still didn’t comment (in that case maybe I wish they would have…) but not everyone is as lucky. I don’t know whether this can be viewed by parents as trying to look out for their child or wanting what is best for them. But, don’t do it. Don’t try and put them into a perfect box, where they only meet this perfect standard if they’re a certain weight or look a certain way. Just let them explore life how they wish to and accompany them on that journey, growing up is tough without the added pressure from parents. Let’s pledge right now, all of us, that we aren’t going to make comments about someone’s body ever again. Whether they’re meant as a compliment or insult or whatever. We are going to comment on the fact they look happy, we are going to praise them for when they’ve done something that’s wonderful, we’re going to acknowledge their character traits that fill our day with a bit more sunshine.

I don’t feel qualified to talk that much about eating disorders as I have not experienced one. However, I do know they are one of the most prevalent mental health issues around. It seems easy to say all these things about loving your body, but sometimes it is so deeply ingrained into our minds that it is not as simple as that. All I can do is point you to websites such as Anorexia and Bulimia Care (ABC), Beat and Overeaters Anonymous Great Britain. There are other services out there and I promise there is the support. Please don’t think you are alone!

I’m not sure if there is a miracle way to feel better about how you look. I don’t know if you can walk past a mirror and not criticise something. I’m not sure if you suddenly stop worrying about how you look in clothes. But maybe if we focus on the positives, and the things we like then maybe it will make our lives easier. Maybe we should start to look at ourselves in the mirror and make ourselves say something nice about our body. Maybe we should appreciate our body because for all that it makes us unhappy, there are millions of teeny tiny cells (maybe millions, I’m not too sure), and there’s our organs and our limbs and every other bit that make up us that work tirelessly for us to get up everyday and function. And I think that is pretty amazing. So, arms I’m sorry that I think you’re a bit flabby at the top but thank you for helping me do everything. Legs, I’ve never particularly been overly enamoured with the size of you, but you allow me to walk places and experience freedom. Tummy, I spend most of the time covering you up, but you deserve the love too! My face, well I have had the most love hate relationship with my face and criticise everything about it. Especially in photos, the truth is there is such thing as a bad photo. You blinked, you weren’t ready, the lighting is bad or whatever. But there is nothing wrong with you! You look fine, you might not think it and I get that, but I promise you look fine. Please, don’t spend so much time worrying about what you look like in photos. Take them for what they are, memories of a good event.

A quick Google search on “how to improve confidence with my body” gives you pages of results on quick tips. A few from Women’s Health are listing everything your body has helped you do, make a list of all your wins to remind yourself that you’re amazing, adopt affirmations (Pinterest has loads of suggestions) and doing nice stuff in general and overall, fake it until you make it! I assure you, faking it until you make it can work for many things in life as I have tried a few myself.

Beauty is a subjective concept. The people you compare yourselves to on Instagram are beautiful, the people you walk past in the street are beautiful, but you’re beautiful too. Your imperfections do not matter, as Hannah Montana once said nobody’s perfect. The features you hate, maybe a scar, freckles, dimples, maybe your teeth aren’t how you’d like them to look, your cheeks are a bit chubbier than you’d like. They’re all beautiful and wonderful and make up you! And you have so much more to offer the world than how you look. Maybe there’s elements you wish to change, and that’s okay, you’re the only person who can do it. I think the journey to self-love and accepting your body and appearance is a long and difficult one, but maybe we could do it together. I’m here if anyone needs to rant about something, it may seem tiny to you but sometimes sharing it with someone helps to put things into perspective so please, feel free to message me on Facebook or Instagram and I will happily try and help you feel a bit better. I cannot offer professional advice, but I can offer you kindness.

Before I round this post off, I want to recommend some Instagram accounts to follow to help you on this journey. They have their own wonderful messages about their bodies and often discuss them, I find them helpful and refreshing so I hope you will too. They are: Ambar Driscoll, Steph Elswood, Chessie King, Malin Anderson, Melanie Murphy, Leena Norms, Hannah Witton and Iskra Lawrence.

The overall message I have here is be kind. It seems so easy to throw around but it’s so important. Be kind to your own body, be kind to other people’s body, be kind to others anyway because you don’t know the issues they are facing in their own life. If anything that I have covered in this blog post resonates with you or makes you feel something then please share this blog so other’s can know that they aren’t alone.

You’re all beautiful, regardless of what you look like or what size you are. I’m going to leave you with a little food for thought, I read a tweet the other day that said something along the lines of “even if we all ate the same food and did the same workouts, we would still have different body shapes”. AND THAT IS OKAY.

Thank you!

All my love,

Lia x